Symposium

Today and yesterday the students of FLI have been giving ten minute presentations about what we've learned this semester. It was not without tears and laughter, as each of my brothers and sisters opened their hearts to us.
For my presentation, I decided to write two letters to myself. Letters have always had a huge impact on my life, especially since having been pen pals with Rachel for six years.
The first letter for my symposium was addressed to me at the beginning of the semester. In it I talk about all the things I learned over the course of the semester. The second is written to me now, as I'm leaving, in it I talk about the different things I hope to do upon returning to "the real world".
For me to truly talk about everything I learned and all the things I want to do with this knowledge, I would need at least 4 hours, but this is what I had for the ten minutes I was given:


September 2010

Dear Ashley,
What can I tell you, as you stand at the beginning of the semester in a room of 43 strangers in blue shirts, desperately trying to understand what's going on in your life. You’re finally here! But now what?
Something I know you’ve already realized is that this year is an important one for your story. It’s been downright insane the way things have been happening, where your standing you're a totally different person than you were last December, God has been doing things in your life and you don’t know why. Take a deep breath, collect your thoughts, because now might be the most calm time of your semester.
God has been writing your story, and you’ve been confused as to why He’s writing all these different plots, where is He going with this? Well, don’t be surprised if everyday you're sitting in class and whatever is being talked about connects with one or more of the issues you’ve faced this past year. I can’t even explain to you how crazy it will connect. Just sit back and let Him keep writing.
As you're sitting there, eating pizza looking around that room wondering who in the world these people are, one of the first things you will be challenged with is the thought that your name may be changed over the time of this semester. At first you will think this is strange and, eh, probably wont happen. Well, be ready, because even though your physical name wont change, you will gain a deeper meaning and understanding of your name, which will be the first step to discovering who you are and who you want to become.
Do you remember that Brio article written several years ago about the meaning behind the name “Ashley”? You’re going to enter into a journey to rediscover that article and it will inspire you to dig deeper into what your name means, and what defines you.
The definition you have always been less than satisfied with is “beautiful meadow” which is lovely, but what does it mean? The definition given in the article, based on research of the ash tree is “she who rests in a place of sustenance, where she is spared from the famine, a place filled with resilient trees that produce manna and rain honey on God’s people”. Which is so much more meaningful, but still, it isn’t quite you. you will discover your own definition of your name as you discover what it is you are defined by, and how you want to grow and mature in that definition.
You're also going to learn so much about faith this semester. It’s something else God has been preparing you for all year. Think back to all the times you’ve had to just fall back on God, and have faith that He will catch you. how many times have you cried out this year “what's gonna happen!?” do you know yet? Well, don’t get too excited, because I don’t know too much more than you do, but I do know that God’s got some crazy plans for you, but you have to move. A verse God’s going to give you later on in the semester is Isaiah 30:21, “whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, ‘this is the way, walk in it.’” pay attention the first time that verse comes up in morning devo’s, because it’s going to keep popping up the rest of the semester. This is a year of faith for you, more so than any before, don’t just sit around waiting for God to reveal His plan to you, because if you’re just sitting around, it’s going to be harder to hear His voice, but rather be walking, keep moving, and be ever listening for that still small whisper guiding you in the way you should go. Often the path is dark and you are blind, but just taking it one step at a time and keep listening, He’ll get ya there.
Oh the many other things I could tell you about that you're going to learn this semester! But alas, I cant give it all away! Just know that you're preconceived notions about people who struggle with addictions and homosexuality will be destroyed and you will learn to have a broken heart for these people and long to help them find refuge. Your heart will also be broken as you struggle through tears as you talk people who seem to have no value for the life of a human baby. You will also be challenged to understand what it means to be a biblical man or woman, and you will meet people who will challenge you with their own thoughts and convictions, learn from them.
Also, embrace spontaneity at this time of your life. Time is deceptive and minutes are fleeting, but memories last for a lifetime. So, take many memory photographs, live the semester with no regrets. Find every opportunity to be invested in by the people around you. Don’t worry, give it a week and these strangers will be your friends, and by the end of three months they will be your life long brothers and sisters.
Be who you are, and who you are becoming. You have no idea where this semester is taking you, just know, it is good.
Sincerely,
Ashley



December, 2010

Dear Ashley (or Shley as you have come to be known)
I think back to all those years as I dreamed of coming here. I hung the magazine page advertising the institute on my wall for five years, I taped the picture from the promotional cd on the cover of each of my school notebooks every semester of my two years at collage, as a constant reminder of my goal and aspiration. I’d be filled with so much excitement when I heard the radio spot for the institute that played during Odyssey, and the echoed question “what will you do with your life?...your life…your life…” ran through my mind again and again. well, here I am, my dreams have come true and have been so much better then I could have ever hoped. But now, with the semester over and I am going back, it’s time to answer that question, “what will you do with your life?”
If I had been returning to Michigan that answer would be easy, and probably something mundane like “go back to normal, and maybe something a little bit out of my comfort zone.” well, that’s not an option, and praise the Lord that He has moved me to a new place at a time when He knew my deepest fear is falling back into complacency, and my desire is to return to wherever it is that I’m going and make a difference and to be a difference.
This year has been a journey of leaving home to go home. I first left my house in Detroit, the home I’d grown up in, to go home to my camp, the place which was my home away from home. meanwhile, the house in Detroit was sold and my family moved, so when I left the home of camp, I was returning to the home of the Detroit area, even if I was deprived of the physical house. After a week at home in Detroit, I left to go home to a home I had never seen in Maryland, where I was for two weeks before leaving that home to come home here, the home that would become more home than any other. Now I am packing up for one last time and will leave this home and the family that has surrounded me for these months, to go back home to the most unknown of places. What will I do there? I don’t even know what there is to do!!
A verse that has continued to pop up in my life is Isaiah 43:18-19 “forget the former things, do not dwell on the past, see, I am doing a new thing, do you not perceive it?” well, it’d be pretty hard not to perceive it when it’s a blazing fire right in front of you all the time! But what is the new thing and how can I use all the things I’ve learned this semester in it?
Well, I don’t know any for sures, but I definitely have goals I will strive to accomplish. I want to grow, I want to commit to spending time reading God’s letter to me every day, and praying for my life and others.
I don’t know what the community in Maryland looks like, I didn’t really pay too much attention while I was there. but I want to get involved there, especially within my new home church there. I want to use the Truth Project as a way to start getting involved in the people’s lives there, and as a way to establish hospitality. Hospitality is also a long term goal, my dream is to be able to one day open my own home to students much in the same way the professors and staff have opened here have opened their homes and used them to minister to us in so many ways.
I also want to become a mentor to a younger believer. Having been a camp counselor for the past six years, I have been able to speak into younger girls lives and been blessed so much through that. But it’s so hard to continue that mentorship after the camp week ends. I don’t know when this will happen, since I don’t know anyone in Maryland I don’t think it will be right away, but it’s something I will be praying about.
For the long term goals we established for ourselves in our last gender and leadership class, I left the box empty. I haven’t the slightest clue how God will fill it, but as soon as I get back I want to start looking for ways to fill that empty space.
That first week, we were asked the question “what breaks your heart and baffles your mind?” and for weeks that question haunted me, and brought tears to my eyes. My immediate answer was simply “people”, not a certain aspect about people or something people do, just, people. They break my heart when they do and say things contrary to God’s design for them. And my heart breaks for people when their hearts break from confusion and difficulties. People baffle my mind with just how complex each one is! I LOVE to see how different people act and think, what makes them who they are and make the choices they do. There are 16 personality types, but there are billions and billons of personalities! I could go on forever about the topic of people. But the reason that question frustrated me so much is because I knew the answer, but I didn’t know what to do with it. How do I take that passion for people and apply it to my life and my goals? Those questions have been answered this semester, and that frustration and confusion have been replaced with excitement and zeal to go out and use the things I’ve learned.
My greatest fear about leaving this place is that I’ll fall back into the routine of who I was before, someone I didn’t understand nor did I particularly want to be. but then God reminded me of my chapter of the year (again) Romans 12. all the verses apply (no surprise there) but specifically verse eleven “never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.” I was joking the other day that when I go back to Maryland, since no one knows me there, I can be whoever I want to be. at the time I meant it as a joke, but in a way that fact makes it easier to go to a place where no one knows me. I have often committed to “being the real me” after times of great growth, but when I get back around my friends and family, people who are accustomed to the old me, I slid right back into that expectation. But now, since no one has any expectations of who I “should be”, I can more easily be the me I want to be, and keep that fervor.
In my first letter to you, Ashley, I wrote about you discovering your name, and who you are. I wrote a new definition for you, it includes the strengths you learned about yourself this semester as well as some of the Bible verses that have impacted you. “Ashley: one whose soul finds rest in God alone, she shall never be shaken. She is able to adapt with peace, and through ideation she finds faith that God will do immeasurably more than all she can imagine. She strategically creates adventure, and finds joy in gathering people around her and empathizing with both their joys and their sorrows, bringing them to be refreshed by God’s sweet rain.” That is who I want you to be, Ashley. That is what you have learned about yourself this semester and what I hope you will be to the people you meet in this new place God is taking you to.
This journey is over, and it’s time to begin the next. Don’t forget the words of your penpal in the last letter you received from her, this same week four years ago: “life is a journey, and I don’t know where it is taking me, but I know I want to remember it.”
Travel well,
Sincerely,
Ashley

This Is The Way...

“Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it.’” ….. Isaiah 30:21

Have you ever had a time when God gave you a verse, and then for days (or weeks, or years…) after it keeps popping up in totally random ways? Maybe you’re having a conversation with someone and they start talking about something and suddenly you remember that verse and realize it applies perfectly to the conversation. Or maybe your sitting in church and the preacher says “turn to such and such” and low and behold, it’s that verse again. Or maybe your in Bible study and the teacher says “does anyone know any verses that go along with this topic?” um, yes teacher, in fact I do. Or maybe your friend calls you and needs some encouragement; no need to rack your brain long, because you just happen to have one in the forefront of your mind.
These “coincidences” are like getting a sticky note from God, a reminder. This week I’ve gotten sticky notes from God in each of the ways mentioned above about the verse Isaiah 30:21 and it’s been the best encouragement.
Something I’ve been learning and thinking about this semester (slash, the whole year) is faith. There have been countless times I've had to step out in faith into a dark place and just know that God’s going to lead me. And I know when I leave this place I’m going to be in another of those unknown times of my life…this journey of faith does not end with the Institute. There are so many uncertainties that will try to blow me down the moment I step off that stage after graduation, I’ll be going to an unknown place, full of unknown people, doing unknown things. And don’t worry, I’m not. In fact, I am filled with excited anticipation to discover the adventure God had mapped out for me. But what He has been showing me this whole year, especially this semester, this week in particular, is that, even when I’m uncertain where I should step, God wants me to move in prayer. If I’m in constant conversation with Him, He’ll shut me down if I’m going the wrong way, and He’ll take my hand to bring me the right way. This Isaiah verse reminds me (daily, no joke, it’s been absolutely a God thing the way this keeps showing up in my life) that He is always with me, and as long as I listen, He’ll be whispering directions to me…how's that for a GPS?